Around this time of year everyone is in the planning stages of Halloween. Fake, sticky spiders web with fake, creepy spiders…check. Spray-painted gravestones painted with your in-laws names on the front lawn…check. Near pro jack-o-lanterns carved from a design found on Pinterest…check. Party favours you eat as you bake, bite-sized candy bars for breakfast bought and re-bought since October 1st, and doing the toe-touch test to see if your vajayjay peeks out to trick or treat.

Wait. WHAT?!?

I haven’t participated in Halloween in the traditional sense in near 15 years, so when a friend decided to throw a festive party, I was amped. Question is: What costume do I wear? As a writer I’d like to think my creativity would give me a leg up in this regard. Instead, I was hit with the equivalent of writer’s block. By default I turned to trusty ol’ Google and was inundated with every costume possible with the addition of the word “sexy”. Sexy pirate, sexy devil, sexy police officer in barely legal spanky pants, even sexy Elmo *shudder*. My thoughts consisted of, “Really? Are people this desperate?”

Giving it more consideration, and an ample amount of feminist perspective, I was torn between 2 opinions:

1. Ugh! Is dressing like a whore what Halloween’s all about? Has it’s history been boiled down to who can tolerate being least dressed? In case you’re not from around here, Canada on October 31st can be freezing, raining, or even snowing! Tuck your tits away and go home, honey.

AND

2. Why not play up the holiday and get your freak on? One day of the year you get the opportunity to be anything you want. If that’s a sexy Little Red Riding Hood in a crop top and cape on the prowl for your wolf, have at it. Pro tip: Work the stilettos in beforehand so you don’t lose a few layers of skin.

And this Halloween sex injection is not gender specific. Men have it just as bad. Sexy construction worker, sexy lumberjack woodpecker, sexy inmate. Many of which show off the bod, or have fake genitals the length of my arm. You may be able to hide a beer can or two inside of it, but as far as I’m concerned, it’s false advertising.

Now, since I’m not one to “slut shame” or object to sex in the kinkiest sense, I had to break it down to what I’m comfortable with traipsing around in in front of long-time friends, my husband, and my brother. The Hubster would be ecstatic, brother mortified, and friends probably too inebriated to care, but what do I want?

I have no freakin’ clue!

A brain-seeking zombie? No. Too much effort with all the make-up. A vampire? From me it’s probably expected, but no. Nothing that takes too much effort. After all, it is only one day and I don’t do face painting. Too itchy. I could choose a character from a favorite novel, but I don’t want to be asked “Who are you supposed to be?” every time I see someone new, and then have them stare blankly when I get caught up in plot points and character evolution. I’d be the most popular gal in the place . *sigh* No, I’ll think of something and probably break it down as I always do when writer’s block hits. Brainstorming with a pen and paper with the question “To Sexy or not to sexy?” circled in devilish red.

If you see pictures of me in a red 1960’s style dress and pearls, it’s because I completely gave up and put on what I wore for this past years Mad Men New Years Eve theme party. Hey, recycling ideas isn’t illegal. Well…I guess it can be. Probably something I should be wary of.

Happy Halloween dreamers and screamers!