Original Question:
Sami-Jo, I have a friend I dated several months ago who I know didn’t experience a “lightning bolt” of attraction when we went out. But, I also know that I check just about every box, except maybe the “IS HE CHRIS HEMSWORTH?” box, on her partner checklist. There are times where I’ve been available to her or made her laugh where I get the feeling the thought crosses her brain that I might be worth a second shot, but it’s momentary and so I’ve never acted on it. So, my question is: I like her a lot, but should I even be wasting energy thinking about the opportunity of a second chance, or pursuing her, since I’d clearly be more of a compromise on her part?
Photo by Emma Frances Logan on Unsplash
Slice of Advice:
You started off by calling this person a “friend”, so I’m interested to know if they began a friend or if you’ve been calling them a friend after the initial date. Does this make a difference? Hell yeah it does!
If you were friends first, then the person could be afraid of taking the next step and losing you to a failed romantic experiment. If they’ve become a friend after an initial date, then you may have been slid into the friend-zone (trendy term, yet accurate).
Either means you’re in a holding pattern. Relationship limbo is as sweat-inducing as breaking your back in a drunkin’ moment of thinking it’s smart to get down and limber beneath a mop handle for the sake of impressing the audience or entertaining them by falling and knocking the wind out of yourself. When love is on the line, no one wants to fall and fail, they want to skirt under that filthy mop handle and come out the other side with a heart full of future promises and frat-boy applause.
As with anyone over 25 years old, you don’t have time to waste on games and aren’t holding out for the greatest love since Ryan and Blake and sometimes a slow burn is worth the wait. What isn’t worth it, is being someone’s back-up plan. Don’t put yourself in the position of waiting for this person to decide you’re the one. You either are or you’re not. Life isn’t a long-running sitcom where the lead characters have a will-they-won’t-they romance where the audience knows they’re perfect for each other and the season ender highlights the long-anticipated kiss.
My advice would be to move on. If you want to be friends with this person, then retain causal contact and if a romantic relationship develops then great. Maybe once they see you take a step back they will re-evaluate how close they would prefer you and take steps to close the gap. Though I would also question why they’re waiting for you to step away to decide they suddenly want you in their life.
Relationship baggage can stop those from taking the jump into a good thing, this is understandable, but don’t let you’re understanding of their situation prevent them being held accountable for their actions.
Keep looking. Keep your options and heart open to others. Don’t allow yourself to be anyone’s compromise. You don’t have to look like Thor to be someone’s hero.